"The days that make you wonder"

     Throughout this deployment I have had my share of bad days. Today has been one of those. From the moment I woke up it seems as if nothing can go right. All I have done is think about him and how I would love nothing more than to be in his arms, that is my favorite place to be in the entire world. When he called today all I wanted to do was bitch and complain about how horrible my day had been or how exhausted I was from closing the past six shifts but I didn't. When I have rough days he is what gets me through them and he doesn't even know it. When I think about how tired I am I think to myself, I wonder how many days he's been up now or when I'm just irritated with everything going wrong I imagine what his day might have been like and how it's probably a lot worse than mine was. I always remember that no matter how tired he may be or mad he always calls me anytime he has the chance and when he does, he puts all of that exhaustion and irritation away. He still smiles and tries to be happy just so I can be. So why should I not do the same for him? I don't want him to constantly be worrying about me or thinking that I'm terribly unhappy because he's gone. He has enough on his plate to worry about so he doesn't need to spend his time worrying about me. Yes I have bad days sometimes and as wonderful as it would be to lay in bed with him and talk to him about it or just push it aside and watch a movie thats not possible right now so why dwell on it and make myself even more miserable? I know he isn't here, I'm fully aware so why bring myself down by constantly reminding myself. You just push it aside for now, get through this and then deal with whatever else comes your way, and smile as much as you can the whole way through. I know this is a hard concept to practice, being away from Dalton has always been hard but once we really fell in love it seemed impossible. Watching him leave completely broke my heart and every wall I had up just crumbled. When he first left for deployment I couldn't possible imagine how I was going to make to. There were days that I did nothing but lay in bed and replay every moment we had just spent together in my head and cry. All day never getting out of bed, not eating, just laying there like a vegatable or something.  And then through the intervention of realization I was back to normal. Something in me realized what I was doing was stupid and completely useless. No matter how many days I layed in bed or how many tears I cried he wasn't coming  back any faster so why be miserable? So I woke up ran some errands, grabbed lunch, and started looking for new hobbies. I was then determined I was going to make it through this deployment and do it with a smile stretched across my face. Sure I've still had some bad days but I take what life throws at me and go on. Whatever you do, DON'T give yourself time to think. If you're anything like me as soon as I have a free minute my mind begins to wonder in a million directions and even I can't keep up with it. Sometimes I think I'm completely insane. But to make myself feel better I just think to myself..."if you're not a little crazy, you're boring right?" ;)